Tik Toker

why do i get attached so quickly

last night i dreamt of you for the first time in a while , i can’t really explain how i felt besides i felt happy again , but also sad at the same time . happy that i saw you but sad that i wouldn’t see you again when i wake up . i miss you

when i start missing them but i realize they aren’t blocked on anything . they still have my number . we aren’t mutuals on anything but they could still choose to message me if they wanted to . they probably know how much i miss them . but they don’t care so i just have to pretend i don’t care either

this isn’t fair . for the first time in a long time i was not “forgetting you” but simply the thought of you .. of us , no longer made me sad . if anything my mindset and my outlook on this whole situation was starting to change . i was happy that we had what we had , i didn’t regret anything and i’d do it all over again . but recently you accidentally slipped into my life again , i know it was a mistake and you didn’t mean to but seeing your name pop up on my notifications sent me back into the hole that i tried so hard to climb out of . it’s like all the progress i made has now reset and i’m back to square one . your name is burned into my brain now again , everything we could’ve been now clouds my mind once again . i’m sure it’ll all clear up soon but as of right now it hurts .

you were the one i wanted most to stay

you’re deeply rooted into my soul and i’ll never live a life without remembering you ever again

i haven’t felt like myself lately

i just wanna feel okay

i deleted your pictures but every time i scroll through my gallery , i keep restoring them , like hitting undo on my own heartache . i’ve blocked you now , but i find myself unblocking you , just hoping to see “i miss you let’s try again” .

but i don’t want you to give what we had to anyone else

i fail to practice what i preach . it’s so easy to sit down and tell others that “it’ll be okay” or “you’ll get through this” . but why can’t i do that for myself ? why don’t i believe that for myself ? is it because deep down i know that i amount to nothing and i feel as if i’ll end up being a faliure my whole life . i’m tired of hating myself i just wanna be able to once look in the mirror and be happy with what i see .

even if we up never talking to each other again you’ll always be a part of me

you left a mark on me that never seems to go away no matter how much time has passed

i miss how interested you were in me

am i that easy to forget

in some other life we are standing side by side and laughing together

i’ve recently been trying to change . trying to stop my bad habits . trying to stop thinking so negatively about life . not only for the sake of myself and my mental health but for the sake of my loved ones around me . if i keep going down this road who knows what my destination will be . i feel like i wake up every day and relive the same emotions , i choose to feel depressed or sad , but why ? i call it my reality but the truth is it’s just the past projected onto the present . i can confidently say for the past few months i’ve been in a rut , i’ve been mainly depressed with a few occasions of me feeling happy . this “feeling” of sadness starts to become so repetitive to us that it feels normal , that it feels as if we have to be sad every day . but if i continue to wake up expecting the day to be a bad day then that’s what it’ll be . if i think negatively about life then i’ll never live a positive one . i feel like the life i’m living right now is not happening to me .. it’s happening from me . i’m not fighting the world , i’m fighting my own reflection . we fear change because it’s uncomfortable and we fear failure . but at 2am when you’re lying awake and can’t sleep the only thing worse than failing is realizing you never even tried .

“it was bad timing” i told myself . but bad timing happened time and time again . and after all the pain , maybe it wasn’t the timing . maybe we were just two people bad for each other .

i will always love the false image i had of you

i miss going to sleep and waking up to your message